imagine you're driving home with your wife and son listening to some old pearl jam when all of a sudden a large piece of ice gets thrown at your windshield. what do you do? keep driving? maybe or do you turn the car around, leave your wife and son on the side of the road and begin to chase after some men...
i decided to leave my wife and son on the side of the road.
i get out of the car and see these men running in the snow. now mind you, it is freezing, snowing and i'm a good two hundred yards from these guys. but i'm not afraid. i cross four lanes of traffic. i start running through a field. i come to a creek, it doesn't look too deep. i step in and it ends up being very deep, like soak most of my pants deep. at this moment, i yell, "ahhh hell...hell no"
i get out of the creek on the other side, i'm now only one hundred yards from these heathens as they begin running towards some suburban neighborhood and so i start yelling some more. "i will find you. i will follow your tracks in the snow and find you. the police are on there way. they will find you; but only after i have found you." but they keep running.
i keep chasing, soaking wet and yelling even more crazy things. at this point, lights are turning on in homes, people are looking out their windows and watching the pursuit. they enter the neighborhood and they're gone.
but i've watched cops before. i know what to do. questions are running through my mind like, "did they enter a house?" or "did they cross over into another field?" i survey the land, check the tracks and see that they lead up to a house a few doors down. i roll up to that house, lights are on and ring the door bell.
older man comes out and says, "can i help you?" i say, "yes, by chance did you see two adults run by about 30 seconds ago?" he then replies, "adults...no; but my 6th grade son and his friend just came in huffing and puffing...why?" "well, i think they through a huge chunk of ice that nailed my windshield as i was driving..."
so dad shakes his head, walks inside and calls for his son and his friend to come down and explain themselves. they walk outside and immediately confess and say they're sorry. i look at them both and say, "here's the deal...you totally freaked my wife and i out; something bad could have happened; but i have to say, it was a really good shot." as i walked away, i heard the dad start yelling at these two kids and i started to wonder, "maybe i'm not doing so well. maybe my grandpa's recent and unexpected death is weighing on me. maybe countering back and forth with a potential buyer is stressing me out. maybe saying goodbye is harder than i ever could have imagined. maybe the dad should be yelling at me..."
it was a strange walk back. i came to the creek and decided not to step in; but tried to jump it instead. i almost made it. soaking wet i realized this was my first dad moment. you know those moments, when you think you're protecting and doing what's right; but it's just a cover, an escape for something much deeper. i don't want to be that guy. i don't want to be that kind of husband. i don't want to be that kind of father. i don't want to be that kind of man. i realized at that moment that Parker Palmer was dead on when he said, "true self, when violated, will make itself known. sometimes even at great cost until we honor it's truth."
Hey Steve,
Sorry to hear about your Grandpa! I guess grief is the price we pay when we choose to love.
I like reading your blog. Send my love to Sarah.
Posted by: Abby | December 03, 2008 at 08:42 PM
"Ive watched cops before, I know what do do" Great.
Steve, I don't think your "that guy".
I think you are a great friend/husband/father/youth pastor/4 squarer.
Still praying for you guys!
Posted by: Kyle | December 03, 2008 at 09:48 PM
Wait, I don't get it... what sparked your frustrations? I would have hunted those kids down too! Did you feel kind of silly making a little bit of ruckus?
I do know what it's like to play certain roles, or to do certain things to make myself feel good when I don't feel like the everyday me is doing enough.
I like this story. Chin up, Carter!
Posted by: ryan guard | December 03, 2008 at 10:15 PM
i've been there man. you feel like the protector and end up going to far because of crap that's bottled up inside.
Posted by: JP | December 04, 2008 at 01:55 PM
You're not alone, Steve. I had a similar experience. I was driving with my wife and two kids. Our car got pelted by some rocks. I pulled over on the side of the road and chased after the rock throwers. I ran through a field for several minutes, but they were much too fast for me. I walked back to the car and when I got in April asked me what I would have done if I had caught them. I had a hundred answers to her question, but I was too ashamed to say them out loud.
Love the Palmer quote.
Take care, bro...
Posted by: robin | December 04, 2008 at 05:48 PM
Hey man, I'm truly sorry to hear of the loss of your grandfather. It's been two grandpas in two years for us, and we almost lost my "little" brother David last year to a heart attack. He made it through though. Anyway, I wanted to post so that you will be able to look back on your COPS moment and laugh about it. I've done similar things, which I hope you will get a lot of responses from people telling you exactly the same thing. Beth and I always laugh now when we retell the story of me trying to chase our "old" '95 neon down a snowy hill after I tried to put the tire chains on while still on the hill. Scared her to death and she was left all alone on a snowy road in the forest while I ran a 1/4 mile after a stupid car that could have crushed me...what would she have done at 12:30AM in that situation? She was angry...very angry...but eventually we both let it go, and now we laugh.
Interestingly enough, just last week I was driving in the same neon, 'cept now it has a hole in the exhaust and I drive it wearing a white yard mask with the driver-side window down. I keep expecting to pass out one of the days b/c of the CO2 in the cabin. Anyway, I'm pulled up to a light on my way to the office, and this metal head kid I see every day on the way to work is going through the cross walk and his walking time has already expired and the light is about to change...and I want to get going. He seems to notice and slows his pace even more. So what's really funny to me about this is that I'm sad and trying to process about moral issues I found out the night before concerning servant leaders in our college group and I'm listening to none other than Black from P. Jam. I'm singing along and brooding, until I see metal head cramping my style...and I actually lay on the horn for like 8 seconds and give it a little tap tap at the end for good measure. Metal head just looks at me and keeps walking and I realized he's like 10 feet past me and I'm still just sitting there at a now green light looking like a freak wearing a yard mask while blaring my tunes....Long story I know...I get to the office, sit down in my chair and look at the picture of my wife that I have up on the wall, and I just droop. You know what though man, I don't want that for me either. But those times are not all of who we are. You are not alone, there are countless ones of us there with you.
Posted by: Worth Wheeler | December 05, 2008 at 08:30 AM
hahahahahaha....bro. thanks for sharing. I'm loving it. I feel normal again!
Posted by: Steve | December 07, 2008 at 09:05 AM